….then the male displays his feathers, as the female presents herself.

As early as it is right now, I’m still feeling guilty for sleeping in. Why am I sleeping in? Well, because I was up late last night. Why was I up late last night? Well, because the wife and I have discovered what many discovered about 4-5 years ago. Dead Like Me. We’re hooked. Unfortunately this is just one more show that was ended too soon. So, Dead Like Me, meet Arrested Development and Freaks and Geeks. May you all live a long life at Netflix.

Today, I will spend another full day at school. More than an education, I am getting great ammo for this blog. While I’m sitting around waiting for classes and catching up on homework, I hear many great conversations. Ussually I see the same people and hear the same conversations. For instance, almost every dat I see the two guys who sit on thier computers and discuss hardcore bands and shows they have seen. One of them sits and plays his bass with total disregard to the fact that no one wants to hear is finger work. Along with them there is another young man who sits outside and plays his guitar outside. Maybe I should introduce them.

The other day, I was at a table next to a girl and what I thought was her boyfriend. My theory of courtship was shot down when she kept saying things like, “Do you bug your girlfriend like you big me?” and “Do you have any pictures with just you and her?” I felt bad for her because, what she was really saying was, “I want to be your girlfriend.” Whether he was aware or not, she continued with the questions. “Have you said I love you yet?” This girl was way to interested in her friend’s girlfriend. I wanted to turn to them and say, “Look, dude she wants to date you.”

It’s almost like watching all sorts of mating rituals. All over campus, there are groups of guys and girls acting completely stupid to impress a study partner. Even in class I see people acting like they are in elementary school again. I didn’t realize it was still appropriate to tease girls in order to show affection. Recently, the school started to allow street vendors on campus. They sell things like sunglasses, Bob Marley shirts and what they describe as “Sterling Silver Jewelry”. Usually, people just sort of walk buy and maybe buy something that seems like a steal. The other day I notice a young lady just hanging out in front of the tables with all the goods. She was in full mating effect. I’m not sure if she was just looking for free merchandise or not, but the people that sell this stuff are not what you’d call a catch. One gentleman looked like a Vietnam Vet. Another, about 60 was in a wheel chair. It’s not so much what they look like, it’s more the fact that they sell merchandise on a card table at a community college for a living. This young lady was having a very long conversation about how men always insist on buying her things and that it would be rude to turn these freebies down. “If they want to buy things for me, who am I to turn it down? I mean if it makes them happy…..” Yes, I bet that’s the only thing that makes these men happy.

Ahh, school, what will I learn today?

Octo-puppies. (Rover, his mate and their 8)

Who’s seen this show about Jon and Kate and their sports team? I have not seen a whole episode, but our house is littered with magazines with them on the cover. This is getting ridiculous. First, they are just a couple with a lot of kids. Second, they are just a couple that is having apparent family issues. Is anybody else done with this? I was done before it started.

Here’s my new idea for a  show. The setting would be a couple of dogs who have 8 puppies. Here’s the catch. Each puppy has a different special power. I haven’t worked out the details yet, but I know one of them would fight crime. Another one would be able to shape shift in order to solve the neighborhood’s problems like paying utility bills. I figure each episode would showcase one dog and the goings on in it’s life. Hopefully one of the dog actors would leave it’s real family and develop a cough medicine addiction. That way, ratings would shoot through the roof. Like I said, I don’t have it all worked out, but if anyone knows an executive at a cable network shoot them my idea and my phone number. Let’s see if we can get this ball rolling…….then catch it and bring it back.

Freeway, more like Suck-way.

I’ve been extremely lacking on my duties as a blogger. I just don’t want my loyal readers to worry about me. Summer classes are in full effect now and I’ve been feeling the affect. I hope I used those words correctly since I’m actually taking English right now. If it’s wrong, I’m tired. If it’s right, I’m just that smart. Three days out of the week I’m driving about 30 minutes to work because of my new “work post”. I really liked taking the bus to work before. I used to be able to do the crossword, listen to my podcasts and just sort of relax. Now, I have to rush out of my morning class to the car and then rush across the city to make it to BFE by 10. I’m not going to lie, it’s not my favorite thing to do. Not to mention, I don’t get my walks in like I used to. No biggy I guess it should only be for the summer anyway.

It’s not the fact that I have to drive for those three days, although the bus is a lot more fun. My biggest complaint is driving with all of the commuting a-holes. I kind of see myself above those people. I’m sure it’s some sort of messed up karma situation. I used to love to brag to anyone that would hear it that I lived and went to school so close, I didn’t have to drive. To add to that, I used to scoff at the suckers that would have to battle rush hour traffic just to get to work. Now, I’m one of those a-holes. I think the worst part is that I’m surrounded by all of these people which I see as fresh meat for lampooning here but we are all driving 65 mph, so I can’t just turn and stare at their them and note their shortcomings. I also can’t listen to other’s conversations and then act better than them. Sure, I have my thoughts for about 30 minutes, but that is no fun because my thoughts while on the freeway are awfully boring. It’s usually something like, “Quit riding my ass.” or “This guy is driving way to fast.” and almost daily it’s “Okay, which lane do I need to be in”. To say I’m out of my element is a bit of an understatement. Now I’m left with my longing for the people of leisure who casually catch the bus and are fully aware that they have very little control over what time they make it to work. Now, it’s up to me to choose the best route depending on what traffic is up to for the day. There is a way I could take a bus (a couple actually) but that would take more than an hour. This wouldn’t be as bad, but then it’s cutting into my time getting paid. I’ve already tried to find a way to get paid for doing my crossword on the bus for about 45 minutes with no such luck. Apparently no one is hiring for that position. I’m sure it has to do with the recession or something. Come on Obama, I’m waiting for my change.

Tickle Me Tortillas

Sometime around Christmas, a usual scene is parents crowded around a store’s entrance waiting to trample each other for the new toy that the media deems “to die for”. I remember working at certain coffee company (lets just say  it’s a really big chain and it rhymes with sklarducks) on Black Friday, or whatever it’s called. Since were open and the butt-crack early hours of the day, we had an influx of customers that were waiting for the stores to open. Basically, the people in line sent their go-fers for coffee. One gentleman bought a $30 carafe and enough coffee to fill it. Of course you can’t leave without also buying pastries, and a bunch of other coffee/not really coffee/but it has coffee in it it drinks. I can’t remember exactly how much it was but his total was quite large. I found it funny that these people would spend all morning standing in line to buy a DVD player with a $100 discount only to spend $50 of the saved money on coffee from Starb…….er sklarducks. Isn’t it better to order on-line, avoid the crowds, and shop from the comfort of your couch or even on the john? I know on-line ordering can cost more, but the price of zero crowds is priceless.

That said, last night I lost my mind and for a moment became just as bad as the mothers who murder people for the new Cabbage Patch Doll. (kids still like those right?) On a recent trip to our local bulk foods store, I found some uncooked tortillas. Wait, let me start over. I found a product that is basically tortilla dough, rolled out and stacked. Uncooked tortillas. I figured we would try them out and possibly buy more on our next trip. Turns out they taste like a party in my mouth. Add some cheese and salsa and it’s a Mexican party in my mouth. When I got home I cooked some and ate almost all of them. It’s like an extreme shortcut for homemade tortillas. For you tortilla connoisseurs, these are made with canola oil instead of lard but you can’t tell the difference. So, after we went through half a package, I realized we might need some more soon. Of course I realized the warehouse store generally stocks something good, sells out and never carries it again. So I took the next logical step. I went on-line to figure out how I could get them shipped. During my hunt, I discovered that I am not the only one in love with the tortillas. All across the country people are on the look out for these heavenly discs of goodness. I also discovered that the company that makes them will ship them by the case. A case has 12 dozen packages. There are 44 tortillas in a package. 12 x 12 = 144 packages. 44 tortillas x 144 packages  = 6336  tortillas. That’s crazy I agree. Although I have to admit I did think for a second, “Could I figure out how to store that many?” My mission was clear. We had to get back to the store before those tortilla jackals got to them first. Once we got to the store I headed straight back to where I found them before. I think I even left the wife looking at books or something you can’t fry up and eat with butter. I got to the spot where I last left my pretties and they were gone. The wife pointed out that obviously they were in this spot for sampling reasons and this is normally the alcohol section. Hopes back up. I went on to search the refrigerated section to no avail. I was in a funk. The wife noticed this right away as I was pouting. As I turned another corner, I saw that blue packaging I was waiting for. I turned to the wife and said, “How many can we get?” She informed me that we could get four packages. Hot Damn! All I could think about was all the delicious things I was going to do with them. Quesadillas, flautas, chispas, chimmichangas, soft tacos. The list goes on.

So now I realize no one is above going crazy for a product. The worst part is the tortillas aren’t even on sale. They’re not expensive but also not ridiculously cheap either. It comes down to about $2 a dozen. I guess we all have one thing we would kill a bunny for. For some people it’s talking dolls, others it’s tortillas, and some it’s for rabbit meat.

I’m the old man in this situation

It’s raining like crazy this morning. Because of the way it rains here, I’m betting it will stop before I finish typing this post. (I’m also a really slow typer) We are in the midst of what we call the monsoon season. I like to use that term because it makes me feel like I live in the Serengeti minus the malaria. So I figured I’d go all D.C on your butt and showcase some rain gear designs.

This wonderful piece is from doggy designer. I could totally picture my loud dog not wearing this.

Speaking of bad ideas, check out this piece of danger from CTO International. (As if you couldn’t tell from the picture)

I may be wrong on this, but it seems like she’s too attached to her scooter to make a clean “get away” in an emergency situation.

One last one for Karly. Take a look at this one. I have never met a cat that would wear anything like this. Besides the fact that cats have much better fashion sense, if your cat stays still wearing this, it’s not worth having a cat.

As expected, the rain has let up, and I am going to be late this morning. Here’s to you rain. Thanks for cutting down on my water bill!

So it only transports matter?

So I missed yesterday and last Friday. Just call it a vacation.

We had a yard sale last weekend and it was everything I expected. I have to admit, at first I was very against the idea. I figure it would be a lot easier to load up all of the stuff you don’t want and drop it off at your local thrift store. It would take a couple of hours as opposed to 10 hours. Maybe we weren’t actually selling for ten hours, but the time between when I woke up and when I was sitting on a porch with a beer in my hand was about ten hours.

Overall, it was fun to just sit around and chilax as the kids say. I meat a lot of interesting people. I can’t recount the whole day, but I will give you some highlights.

Spice Girl-

I have seen some bargains shoppers that are ready to haggle a price, but this lady took the cake. Actually spices to be exact. I found a box full of spices that I had previously in my apartment. You know cinnamon, paprika, Lawry’s Seasoning Salt. I’m guessing you know what spices are. So This huge box was full of random kitchen stuff. A lady asked me how much the two spices in her hands were selling for. I really had no idea what to sell them for. I was hoping for some shoplifters that would relieve me of the stress of pricing my old junk that I would rather throw away. I told her $.25 for both spices. (I didn’t even know which ones she had in her hand.) She said okay, pulled a quarter out of her pocket and handed it to my sister in law. Not before mentioning to her that the spices were half full. What?! Did you see a sign that said “We have the fullest spices in town” ? Then I started thinking, is $.25 too expensive for old spices? How much lower can you go on those before it just makes sense to give it to the lady? This is how ridiculous it would sound.

Me: “Oh, they’re only half full? How about a nickel for each.”

Lady: “Can you break a quarter?”

Futon Fan-

We were selling three futons, but only two are concerned for this story, actually only one. I was trying to get rid of these two futons that were in the fam. We decided $15 a futon would be quite a deal since no one really wants a futon anymore. Along come a lady who thought $15 was a steal. Normally the exchange would be, “So, $15? I’ll take it.” That would be the end of it. Unfortunately this lady didn’t have a vehicle that could haul away her buy, so she had to hang around until her friend showed up. She did actually ask me if I thought it would fit in her Saturn. The futon wasn’t so big, but it was still humorous. Imagine someone asking if they could fit a small couch into a trunk. There, she stood, waiting for her friend. Of course she did the most natural/uncomfortable thing she could think of. She started telling my about her family and the ups and downs she’s been through. This included, her ex-boyfriend who left with his daughter which she loved as her own, but now she lost contact with her. Her daugter who was away for the summer visiting her dad, but was going to be so excited when she got home and found a futon which she always wanted. All I could think was, “Do I know anyone that will haul this away for her?”  “How much longer are her friends going to take?”

Vultures-

By the end we decided to just put stuff on the corner of the street and put up a free sign. You would think that people would just stop by grab what they wanted and drive off. I mean, if I were taking free stuff from someones yard, I would be fast and stealth in order to avoid embarrassment of going through people’s trash. One of my favorite quotes was, “Does this shop-vac work? It’s missing a hose.” It’s free a-hole. I don’t know what’s missing or if it works. For free you can throw it away. “Well, maybe I can find a hose for it. I’m going to take it and see if I can get it working. “I could care less what you are going to do with it. It’s free. No need to let me know that you are going to take it. I can’t ring you up. IT’S FREE.

The biggest downside to yard sales is that you still have to haul away all the stuff that didn’t sell or get taken in the free pile. Which is what I wanted to do in the first place.

Willy Wonka’s Wet and Wild

Another day another post.

The weather hers is pretty nice recently. It looked like it was about to get scorching, but then it just sort of dropped down to about 80 something and it’;s stayed that way. We’ve also had some rain, so I haven’t had to watter too much. Thinking about the hot weather makes me think about how we don’t have a water park. (I’m pretty sure that goes for the whole state) We used to have “The Beach” which I can’t seem to find pictures of. It’s also been torn down and replaced by some other junk. So essentially, there is no evedince that we once had a water park.

It’s amazing to me that a city smack dab in the middle of the dessert does not have some sort of water recreation spot. There is a local hotel that has been building some sort of indoor water park. It seems to be very misterious. A couple of years ago, there was an article in the paper about it. I think it said they would open to hotel guests at first, then open to the public. At the time they planned to open within a year. It’s been three. I feel like it’s a sort of Willy Wonka water factory. It’s a huge building that you can’t miss, but there is no word on what it looks like inside, or if anyone will ever get to see. I can just picture am eccentric man living in there with a bunch of little people running th slides. I bet everything revolves chlorinated water. Nevermind that chlorine is technically poison.

I always thought it would be a good idea for some Texas oil tycoon to come in and open a large water park. I would take on the tycoon hunt myself, but I don’t even know where to began to find one. I’ve already tried craigslist. So I decided to do some research on waterparks so I could pitch an idea once I find this tycoon.

As fun as this looks, I’m afraid it may not find it’s way to my water park.

As cool as Tokyo sounds, don’t go to the water park. the caption os not mine, but I love it.

I would definatley need some sort of slide like this.

Of course every water park needs a lazy river to recharge after that rocket slide shoves your swim wear up in places you never want to dig in public along with a lost top.

So here it is tycoons. Hit me up if you want to make mad ducketts on a water park.

Running Late

I’m pretty behind this morning. So chew on this.

Coffee Cake-It’s not made with coffee but it is a cake.

Talk amongst yourselves.

*Update-I sent my letter to the advice columnist.

Mischievous in Miami

For a couple of weeks I have been contemplating sabotage. Nothing too drastic, just a little wrench in the gears if you will. A long time ago, one of my friends started posting absurd craigslist personal ads to see what kind of responses he got. I want to do the same, but with an advice column. I think it would be great to solicit advice from a well known advice columnist. Instead of asking for real advice, like what to write for my blog, or how to deal with my tardy paper delivery person I would ask about how to deal with my sister that believes she can talk to deceased relatives.

See the trick there? I don’t have a sister. I’ll pause for hysterical laughter. Don’t scoff so soon readers, I may go down the road that DC’s Karly did and ask my readers for assistance in ideas. Actually, I definitely will. My challenge to you is to just give me a situation someone might be in that would require some sort of advice.  Think of it as a sort of blog improv. Just throw me a bizarre situation and I will turn it into a letter to the “Dear advice columnist”. If I use your idea, I will send it to said column and see if they publish it with advice. If they publish it….. well I don’t know what you will get besides a sense of pride that you get from knowing your letter was read by the 20 people that read the advice column. You can send it to me at andy@dorffweb.com. Here’s my first shot at it.

Dear Blank,

I recently retired from a very popular gentleman’s club in my town. I really loved working there. It has been a part of my life for the past 40 years. I started working there when I was 22 and am now in my sixties. This job became part of my identity. It was a huge part of my life. This is really the only job I have had. I am now a grandmother and love my grand kids, but I still feel like there is a void in my life. I have tried to start a hobby, but nothing seems to keep my attention like dancing did. Although there are many “regulars” that would have me back, my former boss told me that he had complaints from some of the other girls that I had been there too long and therefore no one else had a chance to get promoted to what is called “The Golden Girl”. So here I am with limited experience, looking for a job. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t need money, I just need to occupy my time and feel useful. I tried to apply for a job as a greeter at a well known super store, but I was told I don’t have the right qualifications. So what do I try next? Please help.

Sincerely,

Antsy in Albuquerque

Grills just wanna have fun

Hey, hey hey. It’s Monday and day one of June. June means summer and summer means out door cooking. I’m on a mission to finally try and cook everything on the grill for the summer. Even soup. I hope everyone knows that it is still technically not summer yet so I have time to attack my plan umm… plan of attack. (lam-o) My new grill has been at my neighbor’s/brother in law’s house since April. It really isn’t anyone’s fault accept for mine. I took it down there and have just been flat out too lazy to go get it back. Maybe I’ll go get it tonight. So what to grill? What not to grill? I have once heard of someone grilling a pizza. I can’t confirm this story because I couldn’t tell you if someone actually told me about this or if I had a dream about it/made it up.

Looks like this person did it.

I would of course make it look not as disgusting. Maybe switch those tomatoes with pepperoni or chicharones.

My grill is nothing to write home about (but apparently blog worthy) but I am more than happy with it. I does it’s job. Of course I wouldn’t complain if some one bought me this beauty.

I guess I would also need a yard to accommodate it. Maybe I’ll settle for this.

Either way, I can guarantee that I will be a grilling, machine.

That’s really all I have today. Sorry.

In a very lame attempt to  change the spouse’s mind about a certain issue, I ask that everyone let her know that a 50 cc motor won’t go very fast.